Tag Archive | Dementors




“You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you’ll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no . . . anything. There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just — exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever . . . lost.”

 From “The Prisoner of Azkabahn”  by J K Rowling

This week I have been battling my demons. At first I was focused on the internal hellions creating chaos in my head but being back at work and out of my comfort zone  I was soon fighting more monsters and found myself on the back foot from the start.

The telephone is one of the biggest and blackest monsters that walks this earth when I am in a depression. Normally chatty, sociable, positive and energetic the telephone has again reduced me to a quivering jelly. Thank goodness for email and voicemail. During the week the phone grew three heads, multiple arms and flailing legs covered in scabs and oozing thick yellow pus all over my desk. It stared at me unrelentingly challenging me to pick it up every minute of every day until I started to feel sick when I looked at it. It sounds ridiculous but it’s at times like this when I realise just how poorly I feel and how out of character this damn illness makes me. If I had more energy I would be frustrated and angry. As it is, it’s too much effort to care.

 I have to stay positive and think that I will improve as I have done in the past. I have to keep on trying. I have to do a lot of things to maintain not just my sanity but any semblance of a life in future. It’s so hard and it takes all my energy. I slept for 14 hours last night, exhausted by my week’s efforts and I still struggled to prise myself out of bed this morning.

I won’t give up and I will beat this illness yet again. But I wish it would go away now.

I’m tired.

Telephone Monster

Telephone Monster


Citius, Altius, Fortius

“Faster, higher,stronger” is the Olympic motto and one which we will become increasingly familiar with as we approach London 2012.

If ever gold medals are given out for staying one step ahead of the game, in my case the ever-present black clouds of depression chasing me down like hunter and hunted, I would top that podium every time. I may have low moods, bad days, feel like s**t and burst into tears at the slightest mishap but it hasn’t got me yet and I don’t intend to lie down and succumb either.

I often liken my experiences with depression to Harry Potter‘s encounters with the Dementors. These creatures are an evil insidious force who, without hesitation, attempt to suck out your soul with their “Dementor’s Kiss.”

Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself…soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

 Remus Lupin says to Harry Potter.

But like Harry I’m not a quitter and whilst I don’t have a magic wand to summons a protecting Patronus Charm and make everything better, I do have the help and support of my friends and family without whom today would have been a bleak and lonely place indeed.

So every time I suffer a setback or experience a bad day I sit tight, wait until things calm down and get back up and start again.

Citius, Altius, Fortius.