I’ve had a good few months. My brain has been behaving as expected; waking up nice and early ready to take on the day’s challenges quite willingly. It has enjoyed and embraced the challenge of technical tax work and I have gone to bed at night feeling mentally tired but still in control.
That is until I woke up this morning.
Today I could have cried. I woke up feeling overwhelmed, confused and angry with a head that felt like cotton wool. Why does this happen? I do know why but as hard as I try, I seem to have little control over those pesky grey cells between my ears.
Whilst I hate to labour the point, as an “HSP” I am a square peg in a round hole; Something I have known for many years but have been too chicken to resolve. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy my job. I do but maybe for the wrong reasons. It satisfies certain criteria in that I enjoy a challenge, I am target driven and I like to learn new skills which stretch my brain. What it doesn’t do however, is help me satisfy my long-hidden creative instincts and the basic need to do something “meaningful.”
So, I really tried to continue as normal today. All the time fighting the urge to jack it all in and disappear into a large cave somewhere. As an HSP susceptible to periods of depression and anxiety I need my periods of respite so mid-afternoon I caved in and logged off.
When I get very bad hay fever, I want to take my eyes out of their sockets and wash them clean. When I get brain-fog, I feel the need to do something similar. Remove brain from skull; immerse in liquid chocolate and breathe. I need complete sensory respite from targets and tax legislation.
So what did I do?
I went into the garage and sawed some wood. I switched off and made something. Something meaningful.
Actually no I don’t but I’d like it to stop spinning relentlessly out of control, or even just slow down a bit so that I can catch up and make a fresh start.
My blog was and still is here to show people who even though you may have depression, anxiety or perhaps another mental illness, you can live and enjoy life with the help and support of others, and with determination, patience and resilience on your part. There is no getting away from the fact that some of your recovery will depend on you and your belief that you will recover in time but I am not going to tell you that it is as easy as it sounds here sometimes. It certainly is not and I apologise if it comes across that way on occasions it is not intentional. I do try to look for and focus on the positives in the hope that it will encourage others to do the same. I also understand that this approach can be daunting for some but can reassure you that I am just as fragile, confused, impatient and frustrated with my depression as the next person with mental health issues. I manage to hide mine very well and would give Meryl Streep a run for her money at any Oscar ceremony.
It is too easy to become wrapped up in the routine of your daily life, commitments, habits and other people’s needs and forget that you need time out and some nurturing TLC too. I’m guilty of that. Ignoring and burying my “troubles” and concerns deep down so that they fester away unresolved, churning in my subconscious waiting for that welcome release.
This week those troubles and concerns started to leach out and although for a while I was caught up in the overwhelming emotion and apparent negativity of it all as a result of my mini melt-down I am now in a much more positive frame of mind and ready to fight my corner from within. I still need time, and encouragement and a lot of nurturing and TLC from those who care to provide it (!) but I am hopeful that all will be OK in the end-whenever that may be.
And for those who may not have reached the end of Dr Seuss the other day…..
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains! So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!