Tag Archive | brain fog

My frustrating brain

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I’ve had a good few months. My brain has been behaving as expected; waking up nice and early ready to take on the day’s challenges quite willingly. It has enjoyed and embraced the challenge of technical tax work and I have gone to bed at night feeling mentally tired but still in control.

That is until I woke up this morning.

Today I could have cried. I woke up feeling overwhelmed, confused and angry with a head that felt like cotton wool. Why does this happen? I do know why but as hard as I try, I seem to have little control over those pesky grey cells between my ears.

Whilst I hate to labour the point, as an “HSP” I am a square peg in a round hole; Something I have known for many years but have been too chicken to resolve. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy my job. I do but maybe for the wrong reasons. It satisfies certain criteria in that I enjoy a challenge, I am target driven and I like to learn new skills which stretch my brain. What it doesn’t do however, is help me satisfy my long-hidden creative instincts and the basic need to do something “meaningful.”

So, I really tried to continue as normal today. All the time fighting the urge to jack it all in and  disappear into a large cave somewhere. As an HSP susceptible to periods of depression and anxiety I need my periods of respite so mid-afternoon I caved in and logged off.

When I get very bad hay fever, I want to take my eyes out of their sockets and wash them clean. When I get brain-fog, I feel the need to do something similar. Remove brain from skull; immerse in liquid chocolate and breathe. I need complete sensory respite from targets and tax legislation.

So what did I do?

I went into the garage and sawed some wood. I switched off and made something. Something meaningful.

A hedgehog house.

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Brain Fog Day

out-of-order

Brain Fog is a common symptom of ME/ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it can strike with deadly effect out of the blue. It did. Today. To me.

I knew as soon as I came round this morning that I was in trouble. I sat up in bed and my head felt like a ball of cotton wool. Every time I moved my head, even slightly, I felt dizzy and disoriented. I couldn’t think what day it was.

It slowly dawned on me that today is Monday, a work day, and I needed to get ready. Driving through thick fog is hazardous and slow work. It can confuse a person very quickly and is claustrophobic. As I slowly drank a very welcome cup of tea I gathered my thoughts and calmed down.

Brain Fog causes me panic at first as it throws my routine into confusion and leaves me having to remember what Plan B is. It can also make you think that you are developing a degenerative disease such as dementia. I hope not, but I did come across a quote from a Doctor today which is mildly comforting; ” Brain Fog can cause you to forget where you left your keys. Dementia renders you unable to remember what the keys are for”.

So far, so good.

On days like this my Plan B looks something like this;

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  • Stay calm and accept that today is going to be more difficult than usual.
  • Try not to put extra pressure on myself by trying to perform at normal levels.
  • Don’t make any important decisions or provide technical advice without getting a second opinion.
  • Stay close to home and as quiet and undisturbed as possible.
  • Continue with the day but slowly and surely. Just keep swimming even if it’s against the tide.
  • Be patient and kind to myself.
  • Ask for help if needed.

Brain Fog is exacerbated by noise, crowds, activity, stress, bright lights and stress. I couldn’t face taking 4 trains to work and back so I worked locally instead. This was a good move and after a relatively peaceful morning my head started to clear at around 3pm. I feel much better this evening and hopefully I will have a better nights sleep-something which is critical if Brain Fog is to be contained.

Brain Fog is debilitating and distressing but there is a lot I can do to help myself recover as quickly as I can so normal service can be resumed.

Tomorrow is another day.

brain power

Available energy

Ra! Ra! as the posh people say.

Today I had energy enough to avoid working the afternoon through a brain=gof (oops! that should be brain-fog so perhaps I spoke too soon) and fall into bed as soon as I got in the door. This makes a pleasant change and one which I appreciate and certainly don’t take for granted.

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Without realising it at the time, last week was very stressful for me. And here is where I get frustrated most. I have worked in a tax team for more years than I care to mention and I have taken necessary tasks like billing clients, people management (appraisals and goal-setting), management meetings, and doing my day-job in my stride. So why now do I, subconsciously, find it all so difficult to cope with when they all come along at once? It’s stress Caroline but not as you know it.

One of my strengths has always been my ruthless organisation and multi-tasking skills. I have always played these down as being normal attributes for someone in my position, but I am realising now that actually, I was pretty good at this. Sadly now however I am Mrs Average. I haven’t lost the skill, I’m pretty sure that it still lurks within me, but at the moment it is impaired by the lack of energy, poor concentration and focus, and ability to separate the necessary from the “nice-to-have.”

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I am determined to see this through and come to some sort of compromise whereby I can fulfill my potential without crippling myself with fatigue in the process. I must be a slow learner on this score which is why I am so reliant on Doc Fraser keeping me on the straight and narrow. I am so lucky to have access to Doc Fraser’s vast knowledge and experience in advising those with ME and chronic fatigue syndrome and he is full of suggestions and practical solutions to help me recover.

My next appointment with him is tomorrow and I am looking forward to sitting down for 40 minutes with someone who listens, understands and provides the necessary advice in the nicest way possible. (It’s not everyone who can ask me to lose weight without incurring an indignant response!)

I should keep an energy diary. By keeping a mood diary I was able to identify patterns in mood-changes and reasons for them so perhaps I can do the same for energy highs and lows. Mmmm….I saw a lovely 2014 diary in Paperchase which would be ideal.

There are always compensations!