I am really struggling with my latest bout of depression at the moment and am just about getting by but only because I am leading two lives. I don’t think I am unique but maybe a little unusual in the way I tackle and cope with my low mood and negativity. I do it by existing on two levels. Somehow, I have learned to separate my true self from my necessary self. My true self reflects how I feel when you strip away my necessary self; my necessary self is that person who needs to work to pay the bills, needs to keep occupied to fend off the demons and needs to carry on because if I don’t, I will give up permanently.
My true self is that person who remains locked in a surreal existence where I question my worth, my value, and my purpose despite my achievements. Except that I don’t see anything as an achievement, just a lucky occurence. According to my latest mental health assessment, my mood couldn’t be much worse and I have avoided in-patient treatment by the skin of my teeth. I have to go back to my GP to discuss my medication, which isn’t working as it should and I have to organise more talking therapy to help me recover.
In the meantime I feel that I need to apologise and explain my inconsistent behaviour as some people can be very confused by it. A lot of the time, when I am feeling good, I am sociable, chatty, helpful and fearless. When I am in a depression however I am completely the opposite and talking to my best friends is difficult if not impossible however hard I try to force myself. It is at times like this that I need great friends. Those who don’t get miffed when I “ignore” them but accept that sometimes I am happier to retreat into myself and observe from afar. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, or that I’m not interested. Far from it; It’s just that my self-confidence and ability to communicate are at rock bottom and I need some time to come round.
I don’t have many friends. Not because I don’t like or trust people, but purely because I don’t want to let them down by not being there when I am needed. Sometimes I just can’t be there however much I want to be. It’s easier this way and those friends that I do have are treasured and valued beyond comprehension.
So, if I have been distant and uncommunicative, this is just me getting by and doing my best to hang around long enough for the good times to come along again. I have every hope that they will, as they have done in the past.
The only difference this time is that I am worried that I don’t have the energy or determination to fight this off again. It’s exhausting, demoralising, and I feel hopeless and useless but I refuse to stop trying.
Sorry it’s been so tough 😦
My last ‘blip’ as I affectionately like to call them (!!) just seemed endless and I couldn’t see a way out of it.
It was a good 3 months before I saw anything like even a vague improvement and another 5-6 months after that before I started to feel any confidence again. I’m not saying this to discourage you but just because often the literature says ‘should start feeling better in 3-4 weeks’ and I don’t think that’s particularly helpful sometimes.
Keep on keeping on – things WILL get easier.
Hope your dr appointment goes ok x
Ps last time I looked up some mindfulness stuff on YouTube which helped use up some ‘depression time.’
Thank you very much for your support-I appreciate it a lot. It is being “two” people that’s so exhausting at the moment but it’s the only way I know how to get through a normal day at the moment.
Hope you begin to get better soon. You have loads of friends who are there for you. Let them be! When will you have your talking therapy? I think that should help. Love you sis. Just learn to love yourself a bit more.
Thank you and you are right of course! Need to do some research on therapists first to make sure I get the right treatment otherwise it will be of no use. I need a Harry Potter Pensieve so I can extract all those destructive thoughts and nasty memories and dump them in the bin. What a lovely thought 🙂
Knowing you as I do gives me absolute confidence in saying that I don’t recognise any of the adjectives you’ve applied to yourself. Nevertheless, being a fellow ‘traveller’ I know that it’s very real to you. Do try and remember you’re a special person who is loved and valued who is an inspiration. Keep believing.
Thank you Andrew-your support is much appreciated and I will never give up believing even if it exhausts me as I go along. My sister is right-I need to learn to love myself more I guess :). That’s the hard bit.
Thank you x
I’ve had several friends through the years who blessedly understood when I withdrew because they did too. Outsiders thought we weren’t close because we’d make plans and cancel due to one of us not feeling up to it. We’d make more plans and cancel. We knew eventually we’d both be feeling good at the same time. It happened three or four times a year. We were grateful for those times and never stopped planning. We were there when we could be and appreciated it and understood when it was more than one of us could handle. You are not alone. Take the time you need. You’ve certainly done the same for others. ((Caroline))
Thank you Judy-it’s hard to explain but it’s nice when people who share the experience do understand 🙂
Hugs, I do the same…The two lives stuff is so draining. The word I was taught for this type of functioning is dissociation. Some days are better than other. Hoping that your two worlds can come back together in a positive way.