“You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you’ll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no . . . anything. There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just — exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever . . . lost.”

 From “The Prisoner of Azkabahn”  by J K Rowling

This week I have been battling my demons. At first I was focused on the internal hellions creating chaos in my head but being back at work and out of my comfort zone  I was soon fighting more monsters and found myself on the back foot from the start.

The telephone is one of the biggest and blackest monsters that walks this earth when I am in a depression. Normally chatty, sociable, positive and energetic the telephone has again reduced me to a quivering jelly. Thank goodness for email and voicemail. During the week the phone grew three heads, multiple arms and flailing legs covered in scabs and oozing thick yellow pus all over my desk. It stared at me unrelentingly challenging me to pick it up every minute of every day until I started to feel sick when I looked at it. It sounds ridiculous but it’s at times like this when I realise just how poorly I feel and how out of character this damn illness makes me. If I had more energy I would be frustrated and angry. As it is, it’s too much effort to care.

 I have to stay positive and think that I will improve as I have done in the past. I have to keep on trying. I have to do a lot of things to maintain not just my sanity but any semblance of a life in future. It’s so hard and it takes all my energy. I slept for 14 hours last night, exhausted by my week’s efforts and I still struggled to prise myself out of bed this morning.

I won’t give up and I will beat this illness yet again. But I wish it would go away now.

I’m tired.

Telephone Monster

Telephone Monster


5 thoughts on “Monsters

  1. You’re doing so much better this time than all the times before. This time you know you can and will conquer it. You’re aware of the lies and working to keep them in their place. I hate the phone. When I worked for the airlines in reservations, I would come home and offer to meet people face to face. I would not answer the phone or talk on the phone. The picture really depicts how I felt about it. Hate when my life revolves around sleep and work. Praying for your continued courage and increased strength. Never give up.

  2. Wow, I thought I was the only one that felt this way about phones. I am sorry that that monster on your desk can’t be jerked out of the wall and thrown out the window but I suspect phone support would quickly replace it with another monster and be so proud of themselves for doing it. I think that is one thing difficult to explain to people without depression how phones, driving, a store, all sorts of seemingly simple task that suddenly grow to the proportions of dementors or Mount Everest. It sucks. Keeping you in my prayers.

    • Thank you- It’s frustrating knowing that it is blown out of all proportion but being unable to do anything about it. Our minds work in strange ways. My telephone can be my saviour or my tormentor. At the moment the Tormentor is winning hands-down

  3. You are doing great, so brave. I have the same thing with phones, they scare the xx out of me too. I was dusting ours the other day when it rang, I nearly had heart failure. Lept out of the way like it was a car hurling toward me.

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