“You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you’ll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no . . . anything. There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just — exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever . . . lost.”
From “The Prisoner of Azkabahn” by J K Rowling
This week I have been battling my demons. At first I was focused on the internal hellions creating chaos in my head but being back at work and out of my comfort zone I was soon fighting more monsters and found myself on the back foot from the start.
The telephone is one of the biggest and blackest monsters that walks this earth when I am in a depression. Normally chatty, sociable, positive and energetic the telephone has again reduced me to a quivering jelly. Thank goodness for email and voicemail. During the week the phone grew three heads, multiple arms and flailing legs covered in scabs and oozing thick yellow pus all over my desk. It stared at me unrelentingly challenging me to pick it up every minute of every day until I started to feel sick when I looked at it. It sounds ridiculous but it’s at times like this when I realise just how poorly I feel and how out of character this damn illness makes me. If I had more energy I would be frustrated and angry. As it is, it’s too much effort to care.
I have to stay positive and think that I will improve as I have done in the past. I have to keep on trying. I have to do a lot of things to maintain not just my sanity but any semblance of a life in future. It’s so hard and it takes all my energy. I slept for 14 hours last night, exhausted by my week’s efforts and I still struggled to prise myself out of bed this morning.
I won’t give up and I will beat this illness yet again. But I wish it would go away now.