Sometimes with my depressive episodes I get to the stage when I can’t think anymore. I just need to “do”, follow orders, do what I’m told and follow a plan. Anyone who knows me well will be laughing at these sentiments but it’s true. Ideally I would like someone to tell me what to do and to organise my daily routine and for no other reason than this takes time and more importantly effort. I don’t have the energy to plan but that is exactly what I need to do to get myself back on track. I need to be doing things.
So, what will Saturday bring?
Will and I have a long-standing hair-cut appointment which I am loathe to cancel for a number of reasons. I would prefer not to go, but when I list the pros and cons it looks like the benefits of having my hair cut outweigh the disadvantages and therefore on this scientific basis, I will keep my appointment. Normally, I would just up and go, but this protracted deliberation is symptomatic of my thought processes at the moment so that I am looking for any excuse not to go out of the house; to drive into town and park the car and talk to my hairdresser, however inane the topic of conversation. But, I know that I must make the effort and not succumb to the temptation to retreat into my shell and curl up under the duvet.
This is very easy to do. About 10 years ago I spent 6 weeks off work living in my bedroom. I brought the kettle and toaster upstairs and I lived off tea and toast. I slept on and off during the day which meant that I was able to do my shopping during the night (2-3am) at the 24-hour Tesco within walking distance of my house. I didn’t have to talk to anyone, and there was certainly no danger of seeing anyone that I knew-God forbid!
I knew the TV schedules off by heart and I can still remember some of the programmes broadcast during that sad period. I am determined not to go there again, hence the “to do” list. All my instincts are telling me to stay in, lie in bed and sleep. All my sensible, brave genes are telling me otherwise. I have to work at this and make an effort. I have to get out; talk to people and engage. It is the last thing I want to do. It makes me feel physically sick and I get tearful when confronted with this stark reality but there is no hiding from depression. You have to face it full on with determination and confidence that you will not be beaten.
I hope & pray that this is just a temporary blip. Thinking of you.
Thank you-your kind thoughts are much appreciated 😀 I get so angry but am trying to be a little kinder to myself. Anger is so destructive and energy-sapping.
I know what you mean. You get stuck in the frustration – sadness – angry – fear pattern. But it’s the illness lying to you. You’re a great person, hold onto that. Look in the mirror and tell yourself. Thinking of you x
PS-No Blogs recently? 😦
No blogs I’ve felt rubbish 😦 sorry
I am trying so hard you must too. Things no better? Are you not due to return to work about now? I’m a little out of touch 😦
I don’t know if this is any help to others but I’ve found it useful in a ‘blip’… I call it my 10% rule.
The thought of getting better totally can just feel completely overwhelming, unrealistic and impossible.
But if I set myself the task of just feeling 10% better that somehow feels achievable – and is something to celebrate when you manage it.
10% is better than nothing … and all of those 10%s eventually add up…
Sally-you are quite right small changes add up to big results and you have inspired my next post 🙂 Thank you!
Love the helicopter shot to go with the idea of going to the hairdressers….I am envisioning a helicopter hovering overhead while your hair is clipped and washed. I sometimes have to work very hard to get out the door. As you said, the temptation is to curl up and go to sleep. Last week I did just that. I like Sally’s 10% idea. It actually goes with stuff I do to enlarge a picture in photoshop. Thanks for posting and awesome comments.
Ha! ha! Fortunately I didn’t come across a helicopter today and my hair is still there albeit a little shorter! I made it to the hairdresser but have had a rest this afternoon but more through tiredness than wanting to hibernate.