Stones. The straw that broke the camel’s back

For reasons too numerous and too complex to go into today, I am back on the antidepressants; 40mg Fluoxetine. No messing around; straight into a decent dose of artificial mood-enhancer.

After 16 months of being drug-free, true to form the Black Dog has returned to lay me so low that I question the value of my very existence. This wasn’t a decision taken lightly either by me or my GP. I spent 45 minutes with her yesterday, 5 minutes discussing my recent encounter with kidney stones/renal colic and the rest of the time reasoning the advantages or otherwise of going back on medication for my extreme low mood.

When fully functional, I can argue black is white but I had no defence against her solid and sensible reasoning that good old Prozac will again buy me the time necessary to sort myself out. I am not great at looking after Number 1 and to say that I had a lecture in personal well-being and making sensible choices is an understatement. Everything she said was absolutely true. I can’t deny that but sadly I am not in the position to do what I need to do to recover from this dreadful illness once and for all.

For now, I have to deal with it with the help of chemical intervention (Fluoxetine) and more counselling/talking therapy until such time that I can wave goodbye to it forever. At 50 years young, I am fast running out of time and options but I am still determined to die happy.

What an achievement that will be.



15 thoughts on “Stones. The straw that broke the camel’s back

  1. A little set back, that’s all. You know you don’t have to be on it ALL the time. You are an amazing woman, and I’m so grateful you are a part of my life. Do what you need to do to stay on top of this round of strife. Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. Thank you-your kind thoughts are much appreciated. I am treating it as a “blip” and taking the advice of the professional after much discussion. It’s so frustrating but sometimes I have to wave the white flag and admit that I am human. Grrrrrrr…….my attitudes and expectations are so deeply ingrained it’s hard to let go. I must.

  3. Dear Caroline , as I have said I am not good with words but I hope you recover very soon I love your posts please keep them going (hope that doesn’t sound selfish ) but keep going take care from may x

    • Thank you May- My Blog is one thing that I can continue with as I find writing helps me come to terms with my condition and provides me with a distraction without having to talk to anyone face to face. At times like these I tend to be very tearful so I’m best writing 🙂

    • Thank you XX- My GP doesn’t want me to go back to work next week as she says I need time out to recover but it’s hard. I just have to take one step at a time but I feel like I’ve run into a brick wall. Hope you are ok 😀

  4. I like the blip idea. My counselor asked me the advantage of hitting bottom again….I quipped back, “I know the territory.” Wasn’t quite the answer he was expecting. Posting flower pictures as soon as I can get my camera cleaned off… 🙂

    • Hi-I know the feeling about the territory and thankfully with 16 months free of depression I have hope that this is just a short-term set-back and I have the ability and determination to shake this off. It’s not easy and I won’t pretend it is but I have to keep trying. I look forward to seeing your pictures 😀

  5. Dear Caroline, we’ve never met but I love your posts and I identify so much with your journey up and down this path with the black dog. Maybe we just have to think of him as a companion along the way sometimes. I am sorry it is tough for you at the moment, you are a brave woman to ask for the help, take it and talk about it. Much kudos to you and light and love

    • Dear Julia-thank you for your kind comments and there is a lot to be said for accepting the condition as something to be dealt with rather than use precious energy fighting it. I don’t think of myself as brave but if there is anything positive to all this, I hope that others will follow suit and find the help they need sooner rather than later. xx

  6. ‘All flowers eventually turn to the sun …’
    Hope the medication kicks in quickly but in the meantime be very kind to yourself.
    I really enjoy reading your posts.

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