I am working away from home this week, and during dinner with my colleague last night I was trying to explain how the on-line mood monitoring tool Moodscope works. I use Moodscope everyday and find it an invaluable tool to monitor the ups and downs of my moods and identify what the triggers might be so that I can avoid a recurrence of a dip.
We also got thinking about how I could achieve a 100% “happy” score instead of the rather poor results generated recently. We had a few laughs with this and some of the more obvious ideas included winning the lottery and swallowing a month’s supply of Prozac in one go (not to be recommended). When I really got thinking however, the answers were much darker and far more fundamentally life-changing than I care to discuss. But it made me reflect seriously about my life and my expectations, something which was definitely reflected in this morning’s Moodscope score of just 12%.
At this point things become very personal and everyone will have their own ways and means of dealing with “life” and what makes them happy. Relationships and circumstances are complicated. It is too easy to say “change it”. It is not always possible in the short or medium term.
But thinking positively I have to believe that things will eventually fall into place. I need to stay optimistic and stay focussed on the present and have faith that the future will look after itself and me. I can only love and be loved as who I am. I am “me” and it’s too hard to pretend otherwise any more.
Strangely I’m starting to like “me” after spending too many years in the self-esteem wilderness. I am at last rediscovering my core being, finding out what really makes me tick and what excites me. This is the way forward but the road is full of frustration and hostility, upset and regrets and it is these emotions which override all others. Until I conquer the root causes of these feelings a 100% Moodscope score is well out of reach and winning the lottery will not make much impact at all.
I have a mountain to climb.
I’m looking forward to the view from the top. Whenever that may be.
“The steeper the mountain the harder the climb the better the view from the finish line.”