“Cull your diary….

or face the consequences of a complete breakdown” I was told this week.  Doesn’t make pleasant reading does it and although the advice didn’t come as a complete shock, being told by a concerned psychologist who knows me well and has nurtured me through bad times before, the reality and severity of the situation hit home.

Upset, devastated and overwhelmingly disappointed to be told in no uncertain terms that I am not Superwoman and if I was to insist on wearing my undies over my trousers I will undoubtedly be arrested or more likely admitted to hospital,  I have spent the last few days contemplating my short, medium and long-term priorities so I can cull my diary to best possible effect.

I have made a few decisions. None of which I like. Some of which are extremely upsetting. But self-preservation has to come first and it has to be done. There are specific things I need to dump immediately and some things which I need to start doing straightaway. There are also mind-set changes that need to be made. I need to respect myself and my health more. I need to find more “me” time. No more playing “second” (or third) fiddle to anyone or anything else. I have to make myself the priority and I am not prepared to be second choice or second best any more. People will either come with me on this ride or they will choose the status quo.

Yes I am still vulnerable, unsure, scared and tearful. I am also determined, focussed and realistic enough to know that the choices I have made are the right ones and whilst I may have to take a few steps backwards emotionally to start with, the long-term benefits to my mental health will be worth it.

And importantly all this isn’t just about me. It’s about my son. I’m prepared to make  sacrifices to protect his welfare and to give him the best chance to develop in a more stable environment.

After all, it’s not every fifteen year old son who says ” I’m proud of you mum” is it?


6 thoughts on ““Cull your diary….

  1. So true Caroline — we must look after Number One first (and learn not to feel guilty about it!) , for if we cannot do that, how can we be there for our loved ones? Heal the Centre, heal the World!

    • Thank you Cora-I must start in earnest to practise what I am so happy to preach to others yet I often forget that I need to do as I’m told too! Onwards and upwards 🙂

  2. Beautiful writing. You have a wonderful perspective that’s very refreshing when it comes to depression. Not an easy topic to write about. I hope others find it as useful as I have.


  3. Thank you-your comments are very kind and much appreciated. I only hope that by being open and honest my experiences both positive and negative will help others. I try and provide hope and the tools to help others avoid the mistakes I make.

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