Depression-what does it feel like?

Wings clipped, feathers oiled
Aborted daily take-offs
Wading in treacle

Lacklustre. Can’t breathe.
Manic inactivity
Encroaching numbness

Confused, forgetful
Endless lists, tasks for the day
Sleep; insomnia

Dark introspection
Fatigue, every effort blanked
Fortified shutters

Rainbow long faded
Black and white and shades of grey
Monochrome living

Endless shivering
Blue ice pumps through veins
This polar cap never melts

Deflated, let down
Weighted to the ground; handcuffed
Every bubble bursts

No winner’s medals
Struggle to the starting line
Not at the races

Creativity
Dries up. Flourishes; small steps
Something from nothing

Callous self-hatred
Stricken senseless. Alien
Crushed by fate. Friendless

First hurdle faller
The conspiracy of life
Odds on a loser

Inevitable
Break down, break up, no breakthrough
Corralled, reined in, trapped

Frustration, anger
Crescendo of emotion
Threatens to burst forth

Regrets, lost chances
Tears of disappointment well
Lost soul, futile search.

That’s what it feels like to me.


 

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6 thoughts on “Depression-what does it feel like?

  1. Caroline, once again, thank you.
    You stopped by my blog with poignant comments that led me here. You resonated with me from fist glance at your work. I stopped by “About” and would use your words as my own. And here too you resonate within me like a bell.

    Despite the name and stated intent of my own blog I would like to help people. That is all that drives me each day now. May I please link to you from there? I’m sure there must be others that would appreciate your candor. You may be able to help them too.

    I humbly await your response. But either way, thank you.

    Very Sincerely

    • Hello- please use my Blog and posts to help you and others in whatever way you see fit. It is lovely to see a fellow sufferer do their best to help others by virtue of their own experiences with this dreaded monster of an illness. It’s such a strange feeling, loving others far more than yourself. How do we get there I wonder? I have reconciled myself to that now and know and understand what my purpose is and will remain here for as long as I am meant to in order to fulfil my mission of eradicating the stigma attached to all forms of mental illness and trying to get it talked about as a mainstream topic. One day I want to tell someone I have depression and have that accepted as being normal, rather than being told that I am being brave. It will happen one day. XX

  2. A worthy quest Caroline. I wish you well in it. I take it this means that you have talked to people about your own depression. And that they have minimized it as “being brave”.

    I dream of a day when I can talk to my wife about my thoughts and she’ll listen. That minimizing, in whatever form, is worse than having nobody there at all.

    Thank you for your reassuring words here in Poppy Posts each day. And for your kind ear.

    Sincerely.

    • Hi-thank you. I have formalised my quest as part of my personal goals this year and committed myself to this cause in 2011 at a meeting of 150 people back in November. The support I received was overwhelming and if I ever have second thoughts (unlikely) I will always remember the standing ovation I got. It was inspiring. It’s hard when you want to talk to someone who will listen properly and hopefully understand, but don’t be too hard on your wife. Depression is not easy for friends and family either. Of course I may be talking out of turn but I hope not and I apologise if I am. Depression is a beast of an illness but it also has benefits. If you can beat depression you can deal with anything life throws a you-I firmly believe that. You develop a more understanding, sympathetic approach to people and are usually a better person because of the experience. I try to embrace depression now and accept it as part of me. But I don’t let it rule any more.

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